My Miscarriage Story

My husband and I found out I was pregnant after our first try. We had planned to try on a really special holiday we had lined up but I felt like we were adding pressure to the trip and the fact that we had told people we were going to try on our trip made me feel super vulnerable.

Once I had confirmed via pregnancy tests I called the doctor to let her know I was pregnant and we were leaving to travel via a road trip to some remote places. She advised I stay close to hospitals - just in case. This freaked me out a little. 

On the third day of our trip I woke up spotting, we found a local doctor who confirmed my cervix was closed and although I was around 5 weeks it was probably implantation bleeding and I should monitor it. By the end of the day I had terrible stomach pain and cramps, the bleeding increased dramatically which was scary and painful with large clots appearing. My husband rushed me to a hospital about an hour a way in the middle of the night. They confirmed a miscarriage and that I would pass everything naturally. I felt like a total failure, I knew only one other person who had miscarried while trying for a second child. I felt like it was all me, all my fault and if I had waited it would be perfect and I had ruined it.

We continued with the trip and encountered a really scary storm where we were stranded for 4 days at our accommodation. I think the fear involved with the storm in remote place, far from home was such a big focal point I did not have time to digest anything else let alone the miscarriage. We made the decision not to tell our family and friends until we were home safely to avoid anyone worrying. It was hard not sharing it. 

We came home and told our friends and family after a counselling session with my gynie. I thought I was fine, but I have been feeling incredibly emotional about it and the loss. The whole thing bought my husband and I closer and I am so so grateful for the support of friends and family but I can see that some people are uncomfortable hearing about it or speaking about it and I think it is so important to hold space for all women. In school we are taught if we sneeze we fall pregnant, and for some yes, but now I understand that asking someone when or why they don't have kids yet is a lot more weighed and that person may very well be struggling. 

I do wish miscarriage was spoken about more, i was clueless, alone with my husband and google and would have appreciated a safe space to share or have had empowering knowledge to understand what was happening. 

I think it has only really hit home now. I am trying not to judge myself harshly, it is not easy. I have to wait for another period before we try again, I just feel a little heartsore and scared at the moment. 

Thank you for holding space

Nats